- Doomsday for people allergic to pollen
- Profits for pollen allergists
- A transition from seasonal depression to wet regular depression
- A growing brown spot on my ceiling that the landlord says is cosmetic
- Higher possibility of seeing a rat float down the street in a boat made of folded newspaper
- Increased umbrella purchases
- Increased umbrellas flipped inside out
- Public embarrassment from trying to fix an umbrella flipped inside out
- Muddy hems on flare-bottom jeans which you bought again after throwing out your pair from high school because someone fifteen years younger than you on TikTok said they were trendy again
- PTSD for Noah’s Ark attendees
- Realizing how much cooler the world would be if unicorns had been on Noah’s Ark
- Inside-out umbrellas ditched on the sidewalk after publicly embarrassing the owner
- Waiting for the storm to pass
- Wait, no. I meant, “Learning to dance in the rain”
- Eau de Wet Dog
- A better guess at what that liquid on the subway seat is. Probably.
- Water Cycle enthusiasts out of the woodwork
- Regret for already putting away your winter coats
- Regret for still wearing winter coats and spending 2.3 minutes delayering everytime you go inside
- Elevator bromhidrosis saunas
- Fresh office gossip. “Did you see Jeremy’s umbrella get flipped inside out? How embarrassing.”
- Free public swimming pools a lá flooded MTA stations
- Pneumonia
- Pitchforks and torches to riot against meteorologists
- Also the Pinta, the Niña, and the Santa Maria (if you failed U.S. History)
- Puddles on slides
- Wet-butt toddlers
- A years-long and savings-account-hemorrhaging legal battle with a jacket brand over their definition of “waterproof”
- The rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in
- Shameless disregard for social image and just buying an umbrella hat
WHY WE THINK THIS WAS REJECTED BY McSWEENEY’S
This list is comprised of exactly 30 items, and as every good author knows, you never make a list comprising of exactly 30 items.
Things April Showers Bring Besides May Flowers
╱