Yo Treasury Team,
Big day. Huge, actually. Per new directives, we’ve begun the process of improving our workflow, reducing inefficiencies, and integrating next-gen tech to drag this whole department, kicking and screaming and calling for the police, into the future. Appreciate your patience as we roll this out.
Under the auspices of Techno Chad Elon, and elected by literally no one, we hereby announce the following institutional changes to be made across the department:
Section 1. New Leadership Structure
The U.S. Treasury is too old. Too slow. Too…not based. That’s why, effective immediately, all operations will be streamlined by our transition taskforce, the 19-year-old giga brains of Theta Tau. A team of young men (and, let’s be honest, we are all men) neither “properly” vetted nor given security clearance, but like high-key good at writing Python scripts to rename files in bulk. And that’s basically the same thing as running the Department of the Treasury.
Therefore, effective immediately, the following positions have been reassigned:
- Acting Secretary of the Treasury: Zach ‘Z-Money’ Dunham – Previously led high-impact projects in decentralized finance (running a mostly-reliable Ethereum validator node from his dorm). He’ll be guiding Treasury policy and overseeing economic stability through the blockchain age.
- Chief Systems Strategist: Brayden ‘ChungusBoi’ Collins – Formerly a Tesla backend engineer (his LinkedIn says “Intern” but he was literally doing Junior Engineer type shit), Brayden will be leveraging Grok A.I. to rebuild our federal financial workflows.
- Director of Fiscal Operations: Kyle ‘K-Hole’ Ramirez – Background in high-volume asset management (flipping Bored Ape NFTs), Kyle will be revamping monetary policy to be “I don’t know, just way more scalable” in the near term. Ask him to explain monetary policy entirely in Rick and Morty references — he’s THAT good.
Section 2. Key Departmental Upgrades
You will notice our tech chads at work helping the department “move fast and break things” – like that one time Zach did shrooms and knocked over his grandma’s urn LOL. His mom was so pissed. Anyway. Multiple key updates are already underway:
- IRS Tax Filing? Gone. Just send Brayden a Venmo request labeled “taxes” and he’ll sort it out. Oh, and payments must be made in crypto. Thank us later.
- Social Security funds have been strategically reallocated, and the SSA website is now just an AI chatbot that responds “L + Ratio” to all queries.
- The Federal Reserve now has a group chat. Interest rates will be decided via fire poll in the department’s @YOLOMoney Slack channel.
Section 3. Department Security Protocol
Some negative rizz bureaucrats have raised concerns about “foreign interference” or “handing the keys to our national security to kids with broccoli cuts, who unironically say ‘Treasury go BRRRRT!’” And to that, we respond:
- Brayden has cybersecurity in this bitch ON LOCK after enabling 2FA on his Gmail.
- Kyle got us a free NordVPN subscription, which means we’re “like basically unhackable” at this point, he’s pretty sure.
- However, in case of a suspected security breach, please feel free to hit up Brayden on Discord. He’ll check things out when he has a sec between rounds of Warzone.
Section 4. The Future of Governance
Once these changes have been fully implemented, you can look forward to more updates in the future, such as:
- Funding new sessions of Congress to be held on X where bills are voted on by blue-check users. Subscribe now if you haven’t!
- Collaborating with the National Park Service to make each park their own crypto (we called dibs on Yellowstone, sorry).
But fr fr? It’s our job to ensure that this already IS the future. A leaner and faster government run by the smartest kids Elon met at a tech conference one time. So buckle up, Treasury. We’re about to go PLAID.
Sincerely,
Zach, Brayden & Kyle
U.S. Department of the Treasury Transition Task Force