WHY WE THINK THIS WAS REJECTED BY McSWEENEY’S

The editor was the previous record holder of the 72-meter dash and is feeling salty about it.

LOCAL MAN SETS WORLD RECORD IN 72-METER DASH


A local man made history this week as he clocked the fastest 72-meter dash ever recorded by a human. Finishing in 58.21 seconds, the man says he’s proud of breaking the 1-minute barrier in his track and field debut.

“I’m the kind of person who sees opportunity all around me,” the man said. “It’s how I run my business and it’s how I approach life. When I learned that the 72-meter dash world record was ripe for the taking, you know, I knew the opportunity when I saw it. And I executed.”

The man’s time was wind-legal with a light headwind of -0.51 meters per second. The event, although lightly attended, was USATF certified and did not allow athletes to take performance enhancing drugs.

When asked what’s next, the man says he has big plans for his future in sport. “People just, you know–there’s opportunities to make history all around us. I can’t tell you what distance I’ll go for next but what I will say is I’m far from retired.”

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