Hi kids. Have a seat. Everyone good? Okay. Good. Here goes. 

I know you’ve probably seen the news online about Dave Grohl — how he cheated on his wife and betrayed his children by fathering a baby out of wedlock. And I’m sure it’s made you wonder about your own situation here at home. 

So, it’s time to come clean. There’s no easy way to say this, but I too have strayed outside my relationship with your mom. 

I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know how it happened.

No, I mean literally, I don’t know how it happened. 

I don’t ever remember cheating on your mom, and I have no idea when I did, or with whom. But I know it did happen, at least once, and that a baby resulted. Possibly several babies. Mathematically speaking, the number is somewhere between 1 and N, with N representing the highest possible number of pregnancies given my age and geographic location. 

I know you’re probably confused. I was confused at first, too. The calculus is tricky, but the concept is pretty straightforward. But maybe take notes just in case. 

You see, there’s something theoretical physicists call the Dave Grohl Event Horizon, or DGEH for short. Up until last week, it was only a theory, but that theory stated that the potential for “good dudes” to do bad things was constrained by the statistical likelihood of Dave Grohl doing that thing — something known as the Grohl Constant.

The best scientists in the world had set the Grohl Constant at a vanishingly low 1/MC^2 for infidelity. In their hubris, they thought that would be enough. 

Now we know differently. 

The Grohl Constant lies in ruins, and like light once it passes the event horizon of a black hole, no man’s actions are capable of escaping the DGEH. 

Therefore, mathematically speaking, every man on earth has now verifiably cheated on his wife, partner, girlfriend… you get the idea. 

Billy, wipe away those tears, because for you, the news gets worse. You see, you’ve also already cheated on whoever you’re going to marry, or date, or whatever. I know you’re only eight, and you think kissing is icky, but I’m afraid that doesn’t excuse you for what you’ve done. You should be ashamed of yourself. 

And little Sarah, all I can say is, Daddy is sorry. I’d like to believe that someday you’ll meet a man who does better than I could, but since that’s now statistically impossible, you might just want to consider the whole childless cat lady route. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I intend to get to work being the best father I can to my new child. Or children. I just gotta figure out who they are first.