I am a single-serve plastic bag of frozen cauliflower rice and I am calling the police.

I know I am just a congealed iceberg of tasteless vegetal mush, but there is no reason to slam me bodily onto the kitchen counter like that.

I understand you must break up the depressingly colorless lump that is my body, but why do so with such hateful vigor?

Please stop taking out the indignity of being single with a Costco membership on me, or I will be forced to contact the relevant authorities.